Came back to my room feeling like a wreck today. Instead of going about with my usual routines, I locked myself up in my room and was almost crying when I realised how tired and lonely I am in the dark.
How did I ended up that way?
Why do I feel so rejected and worked up?
Why am I trying too hard and forcing things to happen?
Questions like these assailed my mind as I began to dwell in the recent happenings that has made me feel so frustrated and dejected.
I only wanted a chance to know you more. An opportunity to really talk and have a proper conversation to you. But being the person I am, I feel very hindered and uncomfortable to do so when there are others around. That is why I kept offering to ask you out and treat you for a meal or two. I really feel that you are a wonderful person, and I would truly see it as both a joy and privilege to bring you around and get something nice for you while getting to spend the time I wanted with you...
...But till now, I never actually gotten to do so even once, and I am now actually thinking that you have actually been avoiding my offers and invites - and that you are actually toying with my sincerity when you accepted some of my offers out of politeness but only to pull out at the very last minute.
I do not know whether it is because you are being shy, reserved, not being comfortable with being alone around me or just someone who enjoys having more people in the group... but I am really frustrated with the circumstances I found myself in right now, even more when I know that it is not really appropriate either to confront you and bring this matter up to you to clear everything up since we are not that close to each other.
I sincerely apologise to you if my accusations are false and baseless - In fact, I really hope that it is so, and that I am just thinking too much... I really wish I could just shake off these doubts and trust you, but with what I have right now, I am really left out cold in the dark. There are so many things that I have yet to know and understand about you, and the fact that I do not see myself being given that opening to bridge that gap at this moment does not seem to help either. I do not know much about you to dismiss my doubts, but at the same time, I do not know enough either to validate them.
It was a horrible dilemma. I am clueless about what to do next - feeling like I am now threading on a minefield and it would only take a single wrong step to ruin everything. I really do not want that to happen, not even to anyone, so I decided to keep quiet about it, but I realised now that the longer I am keeping it to myself, the more the doubts are gnawing at me from the inside.
I am really trying my best. I am really putting my efforts and trying hard, but at the end of the day, I found that all of those did not help. I even realised that being given the chance to meet you for dinner with you and a few of your friends earlier only made it worse. I felt so stiff and awkward in front of you, and weary and tired of everything, and in this room, I found myself plunging down even further into the void that is forming within me...
I was struggling, desperately wrestling with the demons of loneliness and desolation in the darkness, when I suddenly felt the presence of a still gentle warmth emanating from another corner of my heart. At first, I wondered why it should even be here in the first place, but when I reached out to it and grasp it with the fingers of my emotions, I suddenly realised what it was.
It was the warmth of the late morning sun I felt each morning when I woke up from my sleep, accompanied by the fresh breeze and the smell of green leaves mixed with the scent of newly bloomed flowers. The sound of leaves and the grass rustling filled the silence in my heart, as a beautiful abstract picture of concepts are being painted before me like a marvelous rainbow appearing in the sky.
It was a picture of nature. A picture of peace and serenity, filled with grace, life and also spontaneity. It was also a picture of Creation, representing God and His work and plan behind the very essence of existence...
God sent the sun to shine and the rain to fall on both the good and wicked, as well as to both the righteous and the unrighteous. Such is the nature of nature.
It was a picture of grace and love, coexisting hand in hand. Not just a picture of how love should be, but it is also a picture of God's love that my life so revolves and is constantly enveloped by. A graceful love.
I immediately understood.
...I was trying too hard. That was the problem.
That was the revelation that slowly dawned upon to me as I lay silently on my bed, holding unto this once familiar and treasured bouquet of feelings that I have almost forgotten...
And I found myself remembering again and finding back my way into the light; and it was beautiful.
It does not matter to me anymore how everything will turn out from this point onward, because I finally remembered again that all those is not what I find truly important. I took the effort to set aside time for you and wanting to know you because I really felt that you are someone who deserves it, and that there is something precious and beautiful that I could discover and gain as I learn more about you.
That is what I truly felt, and that is also one of the simple ways I see how love could be expressed, in contexts of friendship, family and even beyond that. I choose to love because I both see and appreciate the beauty and the worth behind the act of loving itself, and I found joy in freely giving and expressing love because I have tasted the fullness that comes with having Love living and dwelling in me.
I love because I truly found life and meaning within it, and I finally realised that this fact alone is all that matters.
To love and be loved is both a choice what every person have to make. Of course, I still do not know what you are actually thinking and feeling towards me at this moment...
...Whatever happens next, I will wait and see how time unfolds its secrets, but again, it does not matter to me any longer - because I have already been reminded of what is more important, and regardless of the outcome, I am still loved and secure in His love and purpose for me.
*****
On this day, another scar was added unto me.
But just like the rest of them, it was a beautiful and graceful scar. A scar that I will proudly carry for the rest of my life, learning to find the joy of the Man whose footsteps I am following after when He carried love upon His own shoulders.
And there will be a day when I will finally meet someone other than God Himself who will appreciate and see the beauty behind the many scars I carry, just like how I see them myself...
...and that will be the beginning of another journey for a life filled with graceful love.
Wilson Khor W.H. @ Seymour Nightweaver
22nd February 2013
It has been so long since I last wrote a short story. Well, inspiration for something like this is scarce in the first place. What do you think about it? Let me know.
